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  “I’ve missed you,” I whispered against his mouth.

  He trailed his fingers up and down my body. It was half-pleasure, half-torture. I reached to the waistband of his boxers and started to push them down. He helped with the rest. I was already naked and I didn’t want anything between us.

  He was hard, ready for me, and when I pulled my eyes from him and up his body I found him looking at me, looking at him.

  “You are so beautiful,” he said.

  “Joel.” I scrunched my nose.

  “Ava, please, you are,” he whispered.

  My arms moved to cover myself under his scrutiny.

  “Don’t do that. Don’t hide from me. Your body is mine now.”

  He wasn’t saying anything I didn’t know already, but hearing it like that … from him, was … final. He knew it, too.

  I released my hands from my body and brought them to his, tracing the contours of the muscles.

  Slowly he moved above me, his eyes locked on mine and he pushed into me, pulling the air from my lungs.

  “Joel,” I cried out. I hadn’t expected that, but I was wet and ready for him.

  He began moving in and out of me, never breaking the connection between our eyes or our bodies. I felt so whole, so understood, so present in that moment. Everything difficult fell away and only we were left.

  Joel slowly and in one movement fell back on his knees, bringing me with him so I was straddling him, my arms around his shoulders. He was deeper like this, and I could feel something build between us. I tuned into the sound of our bodies, moving together, his flesh meeting mine. My fingers dug further into his arms, clinging on, and I could see the muscles in his neck flex. He was concentrating on the rhythm. On his body in my body.

  I could feel his hands everywhere on me. Covering me, consuming me.

  “Joel,” I whispered. “Joel. Joel. Joel.” He was pulling and pushing my hips and the rhythm was perfect, gently winding the elastic band in my stomach, tauter and tauter. I pulled back to look at him. He looked at me, with a sheen of sweat across his brow, and what I felt with him at that moment was … everything.

  “I love … I love making love with you, Ava,” he said softly.

  My heart stopped. I knew what he felt. We hadn’t said it to each other, but I felt it, too.

  “I love making love with you, too.” I shuddered and my back arched, pushing him deeper and Joel opened his mouth and moaned. I pulled his face to mine and watched as his orgasm rippled across his face and the elastic band in my stomach snapped. His orgasm traveled through him across to me and through every atom of my body.

  I made no move to lie down. I just clung to him, pulling myself closer, if that were possible. What we had just shared was different, it was new. It brought us to a whole new level.

  Joel’s hands crept up and down my back, soothing and sexy in equal measure. I kissed his shoulder and lay my cheek on the spot I kissed. I never wanted to let him go.

  “Wow,” he said eventually.

  I nodded my head which still rested on his shoulder.

  “I never …” Joel paused.

  “No, me either,” I mumbled.

  Joel shifted under me and laid us both down, still connected, my head still on his shoulder, not meeting his eyes.

  “Hey, are you ok?” He tried to look at me but I wouldn’t shift.

  I nodded again.

  “Are you going to stay like that forever?”

  I nodded again.

  “Suits me.”

  And that’s how we lay for hours. Not saying anything. My grip on him tightening and loosening occasionally. His fingers smoothing my hair down my back.

  Finally I spoke. “Was it because we’ve not seen each other for so long?” I wanted to know what had made it so intense between us.

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Because we’re away from Uni and friends and stuff?” I finally lifted my head to look at Joel.

  He shook his head.

  “Then why?”

  “I think it’s because it’s us. Because of how we feel.”

  I reached over and kissed him on the lips.

  “I have something for you.”

  We had finally made it in to the shower and we were at the kitchen table eating cereal.

  “You do? Is it your penis?”

  “Such a dirty mind on such a sweet girl.”

  I stuck my tongue out at him.

  He rolled his eyes. “A gift. I have a Christmas gift for you.”

  I grinned. Wide. I loved that he had a Christmas gift for me.

  “You want it now?” he asked.

  “Yes, I want it now!”

  He grinned back at me and went into the next room. He returned a few minutes later with his hands behind his back.

  “Right hand or left hand?” he asked.

  “Both hands.” I reached up, put my arms around his neck, and kissed him. I was so excited that he’d bought me a gift. It didn’t matter what it was.

  “I’m getting a thank-you kiss before you’ve opened it. What if you hate it?”

  “I won’t hate it. I’ll love it.”

  “You might hate it.”

  “I won’t.”

  He smiled sheepishly at me and brought his hands in front of him, revealing a gift box with a huge red ribbon on it. He held it out for me. I took it from him and took his hand and led him upstairs.

  “I have a gift for you, too.”

  “Is it your vagina?”

  I raised my eyebrows at him.

  “What, so when you say it it’s cute, but when I say it, I get the look?”

  “There’s no look.”

  “There’s a look.”

  I grinned. “Do you want my gift?”

  He grinned.

  Back in his bedroom I pulled his gift from my case. He was sat on the bed crossed legged in just his boxers. He looked so delicious. Rumpled, smiling, mine.

  I bounced on the bed opposite him and sat down crossed legged, our knees touching.

  Before I could say anything he was ripping the paper off his gift.

  “I didn’t know what to get you.” I wasn’t sure now whether I’d done the right thing.

  He opened the box and grinned.

  “Friendship?”

  Oh god, did he hate it? Was it unromantic?

  I nodded. “I mean, we’re more but—”

  “Put it on me,” he said. “I wanna wear it.”

  I pulled the black band of leather out of the box and started to fasten it around his wrist. Before I finished, he pushed me to my back and climbed on top of me, kissing me.

  “Is it ok?”

  “It’s more than ok. I love that I can wear it every day.”

  I kissed him back, hard.

  “Mine now,” I said, feeling for my gift between us.

  He propped his head on his hand and I rolled onto my stomach so I could see what I was doing. He fingered my hair, pushing it over my shoulders and down my back. I shivered at the feel of his hands and started to open my gift box. It was sealed tight. I had to use my fingers to split the cellophane and free the two parts of the box.

  Finally, I pulled the top of the box off to reveal a silver chain, I hooked my finger underneath it and pulled it out. Attached to the chain was an elongated silver figure eight.

  “It’s the symbol for infinity.” He reached across and followed the curves of the symbol. My breath was caught. It was beautiful. I couldn’t speak. “You know, for you and me.” He shrugged and looked at me, trying to gauge my reaction. I really couldn’t speak. “You can take it back if you don’t li—”

  I pushed him to his back and climbed on top of him. “Help me fasten the chain.” I was reaching behind my neck but my hair was in the way.

  He reached out and took the chain from me.

  “You like it?” He looked unsure.

  “I love it. I love you,” I said.

  “I love you, Ava. For infinity.”

  Chapter Ten


  Present

  Hanna was fantastic at introducing Will to everyone. He seemed comfortable, more comfortable than I was.

  I couldn’t look at Joel. I even managed to avoid saying hello to him in the fray. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he shook hands with Will.

  I tried to concentrate on catching up with Leah, but I felt uncomfortable and it was more than simply because I was introducing Will to my friends. I shifted in my seat and found myself staring at Joel, into his furious eyes. I couldn’t look away and as his eyes flicked to my throat and back up to my face I realized it was my necklace that had provoked his fury.

  My hands grasped my necklace. I looked back at Leah, who was telling me about Daniel.

  Why had I felt the need to wear it tonight? Maybe I wanted to promote some kind of reaction from Joel.

  I tried desperately to concentrate on what Leah was saying. I saw Joel get up and go to the bar. A brief reprieve from the pressure on my chest.

  I looked around and saw Will, Adam, and Daniel chatting. No doubt about football.

  “So, you seem really nervous, are you ok?” asked Leah.

  “Sorry, I am listening. I just … everyone is making such a big deal about it.”

  Leah nodded. “Don’t worry. Once everyone has had a drink it’ll be more relaxed.”

  We were interrupted by a tray of shots being put in the middle of the table.

  “Shots!” Joel announced.

  “Good man,” Adam said, picking up a glass. Joel had already downed his.

  “Come on, guys!” Joel said. His mood seemed to have improved and he had gone back to ignoring me.

  Hanna and Jules were swatting them away and I saw Joel pick up a second shot.

  “Come on, Daniel,” Adam said.

  Reluctantly Daniel tipped back a shot and I saw Joel reach for a third.

  “Come on, girls. Stop being such girls,” Adam said.

  This was ridiculous. I pushed out of my seat to go to the restroom.

  Bringing Will here had been such a bad idea. Adam was being a prick. Joel was, well, I wasn’t sure what Joel was being. I felt so uncomfortable. The dinner was supposed to take the pressure off. It was supposed to stop Will pushing to meet my friends. It was supposed to show everyone I wasn’t a sad old spinster. It was supposed to make me feel better about not being with Joel.

  I opened the door on my way out of the restroom to find Joel leaning against the wall, his head bowed. He looked up and I looked away as I tried to pass him, but he grabbed my elbow.

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he hissed.

  “Get off me, Joel.” I twisted to free myself, but as he released my elbow, he grabbed my shoulders instead.

  “What the fuck!”

  “What?” I cried.

  “You know what.” His eyes went to my throat again and I covered the infinity symbol with my hand. “You know what,” he repeated, calmer this time. He released me and slumped against the wall. “What are you playing at? You’re not being fair.”

  I was rooted to the spot. What could I say? What was I doing? Why had I worn it?

  He shook his head and walked out of the corridor and back into the bar and left me before I could say anything.

  I steeled myself and went back to the table. Before I sat down, I took a shot from the tray and downed it. This night was a fucking disaster. I just wanted to leave. If I was going to stay, I was going to have to be drunk.

  “That’s my girl,” Adam said.

  I saw Joel grab another shot.

  “I think we’d better get our table. There’s an awful lot of alcohol flowing,” Hanna said.

  Not nearly enough, as far as I was concerned. I needed to be numb to survive tonight.

  Things started to settle when we were at the table. Will sat between me and Hanna, and Joel was at the other end of the table on my side, so I couldn’t see him. My fingers went to my throat again. We were opposite Daniel and Leah. Daniel could always put anyone at ease, so I concentrated hard, as hard as I could, on being engaged and engaging, delighted and delightful. It was exhausting, but eventually the meal was over.

  People were lingering, but I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Joel and Daniel were arguing over the bill. I threw some cash on the table and went to stand.

  “I’m heading off now. I’ve got to be up early.”

  Will stood with me. I wanted to get away from him, from everyone.

  “You stay. I need to go,” I said to him.

  “Ava, I’ll get you home.”

  I didn’t want to make a fuss—more of a fuss—so I relented. I waved at everyone, careful to avoid Joel’s eyes, and sped away to the door while Will was shaking hands.

  The cool night air was sobering and I was grateful for the space I felt. It didn’t last long, though, as I heard Will come through the door behind me.

  “Let’s get a cab,” he said.

  “Do you mind if I take my own? I really need a bit of time on my own.”

  “Ok.” He sounded a bit pissed off.

  “Thanks. It’s just, it’s a lot, you know.”

  “No, I don’t know, Ava, to be honest. But whatever. I thought tonight went well. Your friends are very relaxed. They’re happy you have someone, but you don’t seem to be.”

  A cab with its light on was approaching, and I stuck my hand out. It pulled in to the curb.

  “I’m sorry. It did go well. Thank you. Let’s talk tomorrow.” I kissed him on the cheek and jumped into my cab, desperate to be away.

  ***

  Back in my flat, I undressed quickly, pulled on a cotton camisole and some pajama bottoms, and then headed to the bathroom to take my makeup off. Facing the mirror I saw my necklace, the infinity symbol resting on my collarbone. I pressed it into my skin until it hurt.

  I climbed into bed and brought the duvet up to my neck. It was cold. I was cold. I was drunk. I hoped I would pass out soon, and then tomorrow would be a new day.

  It was dark. Why was I awake? Was I going to be sick? Then I heard thudding. What was that? Someone was hammering on my door. I looked at the clock. I’d only been asleep about thirty minutes.

  Then the doorbell rang. Fucking hell, I was going to start getting abuse from my neighbors. I dragged myself out of bed and padded toward the front door.

  I looked through the peephole. It was Will. I was hoping for someone else.

  I unchained and unlocked the door.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I just want to know what happened tonight,” he said.

  “What? Come in.”

  “Did I wake you?”

  “Yes, you woke me. Couldn’t this wait until tomorrow?”

  I closed the door. I really didn’t want to have this conversation—any conversation—with Will right then.

  “We’re here now, so what’s the deal?”

  “What?”

  “Stop playing dumb. We both know you’re not dumb.”

  I leaned back on the door as Will stood in front of me, expectant.

  “I don’t know what to say.” I examined my toes.

  “I just don’t get it. I don’t get you. We get on. I think you think I’m attractive, I make you laugh. You introduce me to your friends …”

  “I’m sorry.” I shouldn’t have let him come tonight. I hadn’t been fair.

  “Sorry for what, Ava?”

  I didn’t respond.

  “You ignored me all evening. I didn’t even kiss you tonight. I’ve barely touched you. We’ve been seeing each other—”

  “I know.”

  “You know what?”

  “I’m not … I’ve not been behaving properly …”

  “What?! I’m not asking you to behave properly. I’m asking you how you feel.”

  He walked toward me and reached out his hand to touch my face. I wanted to be anywhere but there at that moment. I quickly moved away and Will slumped in his body.

  “Well, I think you just answere
d my question. I guess we’re done.”

  “I’m sorry. You are a great guy.”

  “I know.”

  I grinned and caught his eye. “And you do make me laugh.”

  “Can I ask if it’s Adam? Are you in love with him?”

  “Adam? No!”

  “It’s just you always talk about him and …”

  “Really, it’s not Adam.”

  “But it is someone?”

  I nodded. “I’m sorry. I’ve been unfair to you.” Joel had been right.

  He nodded and left. And I felt relief. And then guilt.

  This is why I didn’t date. There would always be someone else.

  I climbed back into bed. The alcohol had disappeared, and without it I was wide awake with my thoughts. I tried to distract myself and reached out and checked my phone. Nothing. Why had I not heard from Jules? Surely she’d want to give me her verdict on Will. Maybe she was still out. With Joel. Joel who was very drunk. Joel who was very angry with me. I knew I didn’t like indifferent Joel. But angry Joel? I really didn’t like him. And I didn’t like him out with Jules.

  Despite it being late, I called her. I wanted all my bad news all at once.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey. Where are you?” I asked.

  “Just got back. Is Will not with you?”

  “We broke up.”

  “What? What do you mean you broke up?”

  “What happened after I left the restaurant?” I asked.

  “Well, apparently you broke up with Will. What the fuck’s going on, Ava?”

  “Look, I was a bitch to him. I shouldn’t have invited him tonight. I did it because I thought I should, and he was putting a bit of pressure on me to ramp things up, and I shouldn’t have done it. I jerked him around and he dumped me.”

  “He dumped you?”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “You guess?”

  “Well, we had a fight and he left. I’m not sure technically who did it, but we are no longer together. Not that we really ever were.”

  “And that’s that?”

  “Don’t say it like that.” I exhaled.

  “Like you don’t care?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Do you?”

  “I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I can’t pretend that I’m all broken up about something I’m not all broken up about.”