Hopeful Read online

  “Ok.” He grinned.

  “Get out of here, loser.” I giggled. He was pretty and funny. Bloody hell. He should share some of it with others. Why did it end up concentrated in just one guy?

  True to his word, Joel picked me up and walked me to the library the next morning, and then walked me home that evening. The next day was the same. And just like that we were in each other’s lives.

  Our conversation was restricted to the walks to and from the library at first, but then we started to take lunch together and then the odd break. Pretty quickly, Joel was the person I spent the most time with out of all the friends I had at University, including the roommates I lived with. More than that, he was the one I wanted to spend every waking moment with. As well as being great eye candy and making me laugh all the time, he was kind and thoughtful. Not just to me, but also to everyone he came across.

  After that second day together in the library, I never bothered pretending to look for a desk on the first floor. I just went to our desk on the third floor. Of course, library study was interrupted by lectures and tutorials, but the first day that Joel and I went to the library separately, I wandered up to our desk and found a jacket on the chair opposite and a couple of books on the desk. My heart sank. He had a new desk mate.

  “Hey, Ava,” Joel said in a loud whisper.

  “Hey.” I faked a smile.

  “How were lectures?”

  “Good. Hard but good.”

  “Ok. You’d better sit down and study, then.” God, I was interrupting him. How embarrassing.

  “Yes, thanks Dad. I’m going to find a free desk.”

  “But I saved your spot.” He’d saved me a seat. He’d saved me a seat! I really shouldn’t have been so excited.

  “Ok, thanks.”

  “Ok, you’re welcome.” He grinned his gorgeous grin at me.

  “Ok, you loser.” I couldn’t help but grin back.

  I pulled out my papers and laptop and got to work. About an hour into things, my concentration was beginning to waver and my imagination started to wander across the desk. I wondered what he was like in lectures. Did he sit at the front with his hand up all the time, or was he at the back ignoring the lecturer and flirting with whatever girl was next to him? A scrunched up ball of paper hitting my keyboard pulled me back into reality. I looked up and Joel was grinning at me. He nodded his head in the direction of the bookshelves next to him.

  “What?” I mouthed. Joel just nodded his head more vigorously. I strained my head but I could see anything. “What?” I mouthed again. “Come here,” he mouthed back. I pushed my chair away from my desk and walked around our table toward him with my back to where he was nodding. What was he pointing to? Why was he being so cagey? He patted his desk and I leaned against his desk, my fingers gripping the wood either side of me. “What?” I mouthed again. He made a come here motion with his finger so I bent forward. Wow, he smelled good.

  “Some people have more of a physical approach to studying than we do. Look to your right,” Joel whispered.

  As subtly as I could I turned my head and through the books I saw a very amorous couple who clearly thought they were better hidden than they were. They were kissing fervently, as if any moment they would be pulled apart and would never see each other again, their hands desperately running across each other’s bodies, feeling each other’s contours through their clothes. I couldn’t pull my eyes away.

  “You like to watch,” Joel whispered. It wasn’t a question.

  He was so close to me that my skin prickled at his breath on my neck. In that moment, all I wanted was for Joel to kiss me like the guy I was watching was kissing his girl. My heart pounded and I was conscious of my skin tightening across my body.

  “Oh my,” I finally managed. “I guess it’s a good way to blow off steam for them. Like, stress relief or something.” I was scrambling for words.

  “Wanna give it a try?” My head flicked back to Joel, whose eyes were twinkling at me.

  “Don’t you twinkle at me, Joel Wentworth.” I faked a dose of haughtiness and went back to my seat.

  “What? I’m just thinking about your stress levels.”

  “Ok, well thanks for the offer.”

  “Ok, well anytime.” He raised his eyebrows and gave me that ridiculously handsome grin.

  Oh my was right. I put my head down and did a great impression of someone studying extraordinarily hard. There was no ambiguity. Joel was flirting with me, and furthermore, I was enjoying him flirting with me. I had to remind myself that Joel couldn’t help but flirt. He was genetically programmed to spread his charm and good looks around. I had to become impervious to his charms. It wasn’t personal; it was just Joel.

  Present

  Now Joel was coming back. No doubt he hadn’t lost any of his charm or good looks. I had spent the last eight years working hard to put my career front and center in my life, dodging any personal complications. I could control my career—the harder I worked, the more success I had. It balanced out the fact that I didn’t have anyone special in my life. Of course, I’d tried; in the beginning, I’d been on a few dates. But my heart wasn’t in it. I wanted Joel; I was in love with Joel, and no one else quite measured up. Adam provided my male company and came along to black tie events and dinners when I needed a plus one. I managed to piece together a reality that worked for me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t in love—I was. It was just that my love just wasn’t in my life. Love hadn’t been enough.

  The thought of coming face to face with Joel brought the realization that my reality was twisted. It was eight years since I had had any contact with him, but I still thought of Joel as being with me because he was with me in my head and in my heart. I still had conversations with him in my head. I still smiled when I saw people PDAing because I knew it would make Joel smile. I still followed his progress avidly, either from snippets from Adam or Matt or whatever my Google alert threw out. It was as if we were having a long distance relationship, but I was the only participant.

  On July 10, 2006, Joel left for New York and I’d never seen him again. Never even spoken to him. I don’t know if I’d expected him to come back before now. I suppose I had. I had assumed there would be some sort of resolution between us. Either he would come back, forgive me, declare that he couldn’t be without me, and we would live happily ever after—or I would fall out of love with him. Neither happened, but I still kept waiting.

  Of course, he had come back to London to visit, on work trips from what I could make out, but I’d always managed to be busy or away, and because no one knew about Joel and me, no one said anything. Now he would be back for good and I wouldn’t be able to dodge him. My brain, which I’d managed to trick into thinking I was happy, thinking I could live with a one-sided long-distance relationship, was faced with reality. Shit. I needed Jules’s help. I needed to date, get a boyfriend. Something.

  Panic flooded through me, and when I was panicked, there was only one thing to do. Take positive action. I was good in a crisis and I was going to have to be.

  “Jules, hi. So, I need your help.”

  “Anything. What I can do for you?”

  “So, you know you’re on those Internet dating sites.”

  “Oh. My. God. I’ve finally broken you, haven’t I?” Jules screamed. She was always begging me to start Internet dating. “You know it’s the only way to meet someone in London. This is going to be great.”

  “I haven’t even said anything yet.”

  “I can hear the resignation in your voice.”

  “Ok, so will you help me put myself online, or whatever I have to do?”

  “I so will. Tomorrow night. You bring the wine, I’ll bring my laptop. This is going to be so much fun.”

  “Fine, whatever. Don’t tell anyone. Don’t tell Adam.” I didn’t want Adam to know because I didn’t want him to tell Joel. I didn’t want Joel to think that I was some sad spinster that couldn’t get a date.

  “Because you two are having a secre
t affair?”

  “Because he will tease the shit out of me. Please Jules.” I was whining. I irritated myself when I whined.

  “Fine. Whatever. No need to get your knickers in a twist.”

  I put down the phone and immediately felt sick. Christ. I was going to have to get over him before he got over here.

  Chapter Two

  Past

  “How was the mock exam?” Joel asked.

  He and I were on a break in the cafeteria.

  “It was blah”

  “Blah?” he asked. I nodded. “You’re a freak.”

  “I’m a freak? Because my mock was blah?”

  Joel nodded.

  “Ok,” I said.

  “That’s it?”

  “What do you want me to say?”

  “I want me to tell me how your mock went, you freak.”

  I laughed at his exasperation. “It was neither good nor bad.”

  “Oh, well, that explains everything.”

  “What? It was a European Law exam. How much detail do you want?”

  “Well, did you get the question on the difference between direct effect and direct applicability in relation to the antitrust stuff?”

  I didn’t respond straight away. Joel looked at me expectantly.

  I raised my eyebrows. “And you think I’m the freak?”

  “Hey, why am I a freak?” He looked hurt.

  “You’re a freak because A, you are a geek about economics and B, because you know way too much about my exams. And yes, I did get the question.”

  “I knew it.” He punched the air.

  “A geeky freak.”

  “I’ll take that.” He grinned.

  At University, everyone was so wrapped up in their own worlds that no one noticed that Joel and I were spending time together. Adam just put it down to our shared geek like tendencies. He loved that maybe he could be cooler that Joel, although I suspected he really knew that could never be the case. He lacked the fundamental confidence that Joel had. I suppose our friends didn’t really see our time together, so it didn’t register. They saw him picking me up and dropping me off every now and then. Ok, most evenings Joel dropped me off. But because most of the time he then caught up with Adam, it looked like that was why he was there. With me.

  Also, it wasn’t like we were dating. We were study buddies. He was a ridiculously handsome study buddy, but no one, including myself, thought for a moment it would be more than that. He was way out of my league. I barely ever wore make up. I didn’t give a shit what I wore, as long as it was warm. I couldn’t remember the last time I got my hair cut—it just hung down my back. I didn’t bother blow drying it as it took too long. The girls that Joel and Adam surrounded themselves with were well groomed, pretty, vivacious, always ready to laugh at their jokes. Those girls were almost a different species. I didn’t resent them and they didn’t notice me—that’s just how it was.

  Joel’s flirting with me continued and I continued to pretend to be impervious to his charms. The actual imperviousness wasn’t going too well. I thought he was devastatingly attractive, of course, but more than that, I liked him. I liked spending time with him. I wanted to share my news with him and I wanted to hear all about his life outside the library.

  Around mid-term, as was our normal practice for the weekend, I waited for Joel to pick me up on the way to the library. He always knocked very lightly, aware that most of my roommates would be asleep for hours yet. It was a sweet, thoughtful habit and it always made me smile.

  “Hey, come in. Sorry I’m not packed up yet.” I was leaning across my desk to gather my papers.

  “God, you look beautiful in this light, Ava.” His voice was soft and serious and I turned to face him, wondering if I’d heard him right. His eyes were on mine, looking at me intently.

  I turned away, embarrassed. “No I don’t,” I mumbled, reaching for my bag to begin packing up my books.

  “Yes. Yes, you do.” He’d moved toward me and I felt him behind me. I stood frozen as he ran his hand down my arm.

  “Joel.” My small voice cracked.

  “Turn around, Ava.”

  I was sure my face was a mixture of pure terror and pure lust. Was this really happening? Joel didn’t pick girls like me.

  Reluctantly, I turned around. I didn’t dare make eye contact.

  “Ava,” he said again as he brought his hand to my throat, and then behind my hair as he cupped the back of my neck. Our foreheads met and our breath mingled. We stayed like that for a long moment, on the brink of something. My breath came shorter. I brought my hands up to rest on his chest. Oh lord, that chest. I’d sat across from his magnificent chest for the last few weeks, imagining how it would feel to touch, stroke, kiss. It most definitely lived up to every expectation, broad and hard. I daren’t move, worried I would lose control and not be able to stop what he had started.

  He slowly pulled his forehead from mine and replaced it with his mouth, kissing me lightly. My eyes closed as I stood still. His head dipped to my neck and placed feather light kisses down from my ear to my collarbone. I gasped, and as if he had been holding back until that moment, he found my mouth urgently and pressed me to him.

  “Please don’t tell anyone,” I blurted as I pulled back from his kiss and spoke into his lips that were hovering over mine. He pulled me toward him again, silencing me. He ran his tongue along my bottom lip, placing light kisses at each corner of my mouth. I moaned as I let my tongue be surrounded by his. His arms moved around my back and his splayed hands roamed behind me, pulled me into him so there were no gaps between where he ended and I began. His kiss deepened and I felt him thicken against my stomach. I reached into his hair and he groaned. Was I really making him groan? Slowly, I let my hands move across his shirt and up to his shoulders. I wanted to feel every part of him.

  Suddenly he broke our kiss. Had I taken things too far? I froze, our eyes locked on each other.

  “You taste even better than I imagined. You’re so soft.” He sighed and then dropped another soft kiss on my lips, and then another at the corner of my mouth, and then another. My hands recommenced their exploration of his shoulders and then neck.

  “You imagined this?” The chemistry that I had felt between us all these weeks hadn’t been all in my head. It wasn’t just the normal Joel Wentworth charm. It had been meant for me. And right now he was kissing me out of my shoes.

  “Oh, I’ve been having very inappropriate thoughts about you, Ava Elliot.” My stomach flipped and I let my head fall back and his mouth fell on my neck. His tongue trailed across my skin between kisses. The sensation was excruciating. I thought I would burst.

  “Stress relief, huh?” I mumbled.

  “Something like that.”

  I caught his bottom lip between mine and he drew his hands from my back into my hair.

  The kiss seemed to go on for days, and I was happy to stay there until graduation. A bang of a bedroom door upstairs made me jump and we both looked at my closed door toward the sound.

  “What was that?” He intertwined my fingers with his.

  “Probably Adam. He’s so noisy.”

  Joel chuckled and looked back at me.

  “So,” I said trying to fill the silence.

  “So …” he bent down to whisper in my ear. God, his breath on my neck felt so good. I leaned into him and felt him through his trousers against my stomach.

  “Hmmm,” was all I could manage.

  Joel jerked away. “So, stop distracting me. Come on. Library.” He swatted my bottom and I jumped at his sudden change in direction. “Study break is over. If I stay in this room alone with you another moment, I may never leave.” He grinned at me and I grinned back. My heart grew twice as big in my chest as we collected my stuff and he put my rucksack over his shoulder and guided me, with his hand on my lower back, out of my room.

  Present

  My day in the office had been a complete write off. I just couldn’t think about anything except Joel. When was
he coming back? How would I feel when I saw him? How quickly could I get a boyfriend? It was going over and over in my head. I’d sat through a meeting for two hours and came out without a clue of what had happened and no notes to rely on. I sent an email with at least ninety typos in it to a partner and he’d completely bawled me out. I was a liability. Tonight Jules was coming over to help me with my dating profile, so I left work as soon as I could and headed home.

  Jules worked in PR and apparently could come and go as she pleased. She arrived about three minutes after I’d changed into leggings and my favorite (very worn) sweater. My style had evolved since University; I found I quite liked fashion. At work I liked shift dresses with higher-than-high heels and bold jewelry. My hair had a style: long layers that made the most of my natural wave, with lowlights done by an actual hairdresser. At University, I had been known to cut off my own split ends. But we had all grown up. You couldn’t live in jeans and sneakers your whole life. When I’d seen pictures of Joel on the Internet at the beginning of his meteoric rise as a successful entrepreneur, it seemed odd to see him in a suit. I’d never seen him in anything but casual clothes. He had that innate style gene that some people just seemed to be born with. He always looked so great. But in a suit, he looked like something else. God, I hope he doesn’t wear a suit when he’s back in London.

  Yeah, Ava, very realistic.

  Jules could open a bottle of wine quicker than anyone could. Before I could say, “But is he marriage material?” we’d polished off our first glasses and I had a profile on a well-known Internet dating site. Jules was a lot more excited than I was. It was a means to an end for me. I needed to get over Joel. I’d had eight years, but now I had to do it almost overnight.

  “Oh, this guy seems perfect for you. Complete workaholic.”

  “Jules, I’m not a workaholic. I just do work, rather than party, for a living.”

  “Whatever. You’re going to need a guy that understands how important your career is to you. Most guys won’t want to marry a career-focused overachiever. You’ll intimidate them. That’s why you’ve been single for so long.”